Dwile Flonking

Britain has a long history of inventing mad and occasionally dangerous 'folk sports'. From the lunacy of the Haxey Hood, to Cheese Rolling on Cooper's Hill, to River Football in Bourton-On-The Water (which took place yesterday), we Brits love a moment of sporting madness now and again.

   

Dwile Flonking is an East Anglian 'sport' which some people would have you believe is centuries old. In fact, it's most likely less than a century old, but it may be a revival of some old harvest ritual. 

The modern game is believed to have been created in the 1960s by rival printing apprentices at Clowes of Beccles and Clays of Bungay (coincidentally, Clays is where my last four books were printed!). 

At Midday the two teams assemble - usually in a pub garden - and dressed as yokels. The referee, or Jobanowl, decides which team goes first by throwing up a sugar beet. The teams then become either Flonkers or Girters. 

Girters form a circle by holding hands and they surround the first Flonker in to 'bat'. The Flonker holds a short pole called a Driveller and uses it to pick up the Dwile - a beer-soaked bar towel - from a chamber pot full of beer that stands in the centre of the circle. Upon the command of 'Here y'go t'gither!' the Girters start to dance around clockwise while the Flonker goes anti-clockwise around the chamber pot and attempts to 'Flonk' the Dwile at one of the Girters.

   

A direct hit on a Girter's head is called a Wanton and scores three points. A hit on the body is called a Marther and is worth two points. A leg hit is a Ripper and scores just one point. If the Flonker misses all of the Girters it's called a Swodger. 

The Girters then form a straight line and the outgoing player must down a pint of ale in a quicker time than it takes for the Dwile to be handed down the line of Girters. If they can't do it, they're out and the next Flonker comes in. This continues until the whole team is out. Then the teams swap over. Once everyone has Flonked the winning team is decided on points. 

Unsurprisingly, many of the players end up riotously drunk, falls are common and there are occasional casualties as the result of a good hard Wanton. Which is why the sport has been banned on several occasions for violating health and safety regulations. But it continues to persist and, if anything, trying to ban it just makes the British want to play it even more.

   

That says so much about the British character doesn't it? It's why attempts to ban cheese rolling at Cooper's Hill in Gloucestershire have failed (they tried to ban it but people held the race in secret at night with the potential for greater injuries). It's why we go Bog Snorkelling in Llanwrtyd Wells. It's why Shin Kicking still takes place in Lancashire, and Cornish Hurling in St Ives and St Columb Major - a sport that has only one rule: No Weapons. 

But we should embrace these silly sports because, in a strange way, they led to the modern Olympics.

The Cotswold Olympicks were first held in 1612 on Dover's Hill, Chipping Camden, and survived until 1652 when the Puritans shut it down. It featured Shin-Kicking, Tug Of War, Sack Races, Sheaf Throwing (lobbing a hay bale as far as you can with a pitchfork), climbing a greasy pole, Morris Dancing and Back Swording (or 'Cudgel Play) in which contestants keep hitting each other until one is unconscious. The Olympicks returned after the Restoration and continued for another 200 years before being, once again, shut down by the authorities. But, by then, the event had inspired Dr William Penny Brookes to create the Wenlock Games at Much Wenlock, Shropshire in 1850. And it is these games that directly inspired the creation of the modern Olympics in 1896. 

Which is why, for the 2012 London Olympics, the mascots were called Wenlock and Mandeville (the latter named after Stoke Mandeville Hospital in Buckinghamshire where the Paralympics were created). 

So there you go. The British may like a daft sport or two but who knows where a silly idea might take you? 

It might take you all the way to a gold medal.