The Eton Wall Game vs Guyball (which is odder?)

It's St Andrew's Day today which, with him being patron saint of Scotland, probably means very little to most people here on the Chiltern Hills. But not so to those at Eton College where the famous private school holds its most important sporting event of the year.

We're talking about the Eton Wall Game.

If you didn't know, Windsor and Eton are almost one large town, separated by the River Thames. And, confusingly, the college gives its address as Windsor when it's in Eton.

But if you think that's confusing ...

The Eton Wall Game was supposedly invented in 1841 by errant Kings Scholars (pupils who live in College) who were bored and wanted a new way to spend their limited free time. The rules were first written down in 1849 and have subsequently been revised several times - the most recent 6th revision was made in 2001. The Wall Game has elements that resemble both football and rugby but mostly looks like nothing else. It is also a notoriously physical game. 

The game is played on a strip of ground 5 metres wide and 110 metres long ('The Furrow') next to a slightly curved brick wall ('The Wall'). The Wall was built in 1717 and traces the B3022 road between Slough and Eton. 

Here's how the game is described on the Eton College website:  

'The game revolves around the Bully, which could be described as a clump of players pressed against the Wall. This mass of boys is supported, on each side, by three positions: a Fly, Long and Lines, who become particularly crucial if the ball ever breaks out of the Bully. Whilst the ball can be moved up and down the Wall by kicking it, in truth most movement occurs due to penalties.' 

'To score a point, the ball needs to be moved into Calx (a location situated at the very edge of each end of the Wall), raised up against the Wall and then touched by a member of the attacking team. The player then shouts ‘Got it!’ and, if the umpire agrees, he responds ‘Given’ and a point is awarded. This point is known as a Shy, and allows the attacking team a chance at a Goal (which is far rarer).'

Goals are as rare as hen's teeth apparently and there was once a run of over a hundred years where none were scored.  

The wall game is also played on Ascension Day, immediately after a 6am service on the roof of College Chapel. Various scratch matches are also played throughout the Michaelmas and Lent Halves (terms), where boys from different year groups, as well as masters, take part. 

If you'd like to read the full rules of the Wall Game, you can do so here.

The complexity and jargon associated with the game instantly reminded me of Guyball (pronounced 'Ghee ball') - a wholly fictitious sport played (and probably invented) by anaesthetist Guy Secretan (Stephen Mangan) in the TV hospital comedy Green Wing. 

The rules of Guyball - though never fully explained - are just as joyously bonkers as the Eton Wall Game. The object of the game, according to Guy, is simply 'to put the ball into the basket'. The basket in question is part of the Toppmeiler, a special helmet worn by the players. This consists of a wicker basket fastened to the player's head by a leather strap with an attached pair of flying goggles to protect the eyes. 

Before starting a match, players are encouraged to Splice the Matterhorn by insulting their opponents – though this might have been invented by Guy on the spur of the moment so that he could get away with shouting abuse at a group of children during his community service. 

The game then begins when the umpire shouts Commence. In a French accent.

The rules of Guyball appear to depend on the variation being played. A 'classic three-person variation', in which two people chase the wearer of the Toppmeiler, is described by Guy to his colleague Dr Martin Dear as follows: 

'Don't leave the Parish. If you reach the Maison, put your left arm in the air and shout 'Maison!'. There are no Burrow Tactics and there are no Hedgehogs. I won the toss so Stickles are random and it's a two-bounce Ubique.'

You might also choose to play with Orthodox or Alternate Stickles and a Four-Bounce Ubique though this tends to be in matches in which the two sides have an equal number of players, all of whom wear Toppmeilers. Positions in which Guyball players may find themselves include: 

• The Emmental Loop, in which you have a Cleft Mitten showing whilst you crouch to attack an opponent. 
• The Classical Heist, an attack in which you stand with your foot on the opponent's jaw and your Toppmeiler is empty. 
• The Fat Chalet, similar to the Classical Heist but your Toppmeiler is 'geometrically loaded'; that is, contains a large six-sided die. 

According to Green Wing: The Complete First Series Scripts, a player can also be sent off for 'Illegal use of the Hefty Fondue.' This happened between Guy Secretan and Markus Geissler, during a match at the Secretanstadt, Lausanne. 

Guy won 12:3. 

The game certainly delighted Green Wing fans and groups of them now meet regularly to play the game. Stephen Mangan has even turned up to  few matches to Splice the Matterhorn and to check people's Toppmeilers.

   

All of which must have upset the players of a genuine sport called Guyball. You can read about that here.

But at least Guyball - in whatever form - is accessible to all.

Whereas the Eton Wall Game must be pretty much the most elitist sport in the world.