Nativity Fails

 I was thinking about school Nativity plays today.

I appeared in a lot of school plays as a kid. It was a mixed blessing. My secondary school was boys only and, for some reason I've yet to find an explanation for, I was often chosen to play female characters. However, I was luckier in infant nativity plays. I was usually Joseph, or a shepherd or, because I was a choirboy, an angel. However, these days, in amongst the shepherds, wise men, sheep and cows you'll now find children playing a very odd mix of characters.

Me as a shepherd, bottom left at St Marys School, Penzance 1967

My son once played the stable door. In the spirit of 'inclusivity' that is foisted upon teachers these days, no child - no matter how keen they are as actors - can be left out. I guess it's better than how it was in my day when the shy kids got nothing and the divas got everything. But a door? It got me wondering what other strange roles teachers have created to ensure that all of the kids get something meaningful to do during school productions. So I asked around and heard some amazing stories. 

Back when Twitter was fun, it proved to be a particularly fecund source of anecdotes, some quite tragic. One lady told me that she'd been the 'glamorous assistant' to a quoit thrower played by a kid called Wayne. To do this she was forced into a green leotard and, in her words, 'I wasn't a skinny kid'. Ouch. 

My friend Ally Craig told me a tale that brought a tear to my eye: 'Being unable to walk, they made me Santa in the school play. They built a chimney around my wheelchair and sang When Santa Got Stuck Up the Chimney.' 

Another friend, Trina Wright, got to play the mirror in Snow White but, in a moment of exquisite torture, discovered that she'd have to tell the girl she hated most in school how pretty she was. 

The winner for sheer pathos however is Michael Moran who had to dress as a duck for a school play. This entailed getting dressed up at home and travelling 11 miles to school. Alone. Dressed as a duck. 

Among the more curious inanimate objects people were asked to play, I heard from people who had played a leaf, a hailstone, the Moon, an ant, a milk bottle and an 'Optional spear carrier'. Several people recalled being animals or parts of animals or Christmas puddings. And one woman once had to dress up as a Space Invader in a Waitrose cardboard box costume. In a Nativity. 

Not that the traditional Nativity is a stranger to introducing new characters. One Tweeter told me that she was once asked to play 'a woman who wanted to shop at Harrods instead of giving money to a homeless man - hard hitting stuff for a six-year-old.' Another played a 'welly wanger' - one who chucks Wellington boots - but had to do it with a haggis instead. One woman was a Hula Girl and another played Jack the Ripper. Apparently, the Nativity that year was loosely based on A Christmas Carol and one possible future for the star was likely to be a trifle visceral and grim. 

Extraordinary. 

Do you know of a worse or more bizarre role? Do let me know.