Saturday 13 May 2023

Eurovision Wrong Contest

Tonight is Eurovision night, which used to be one of my favourite TV nights of the year. It was the one annual event when I was guaranteed the perfect storm of outrageous or bizarre costumes, strange vocal performances, presenters apparently made of cheese, Terry Wogan's deliciously sarcastic commentary and lyrics so bizarre that they made you gape open-mouthed. 

But, on the whole - and I never thought I'd say this - I've become a little bored of it. Eurovision gets glitzier and bigger every year but it's also lost its integrity. It's become very knowing in its old age. It's become a parody of itself.



As you know, people are at their funniest when they are unintentionally bad - that's why the auditions for shows like X Factor and American Idol were far more popular than the actual contest. Eurovision's campiness, bizarre lyrics and obscure untalented stars were what made the contest compulsive viewing. 

But they all try just a little too hard now. 

Eurovision was never about fielding your best acts. Okay, so we did put Cliff Richard out there not once but twice (he came a creditable 2nd and 3rd place in the competitions) but, while he was famous, he was hardly our greatest act. Imagine if we'd put The Beatles on stage. Or The Rolling Stones. How would we have scored if our entries had been performed by Bowie or Kate Bush or Oasis or Adele or Stormzy? We've always tried to give newbies a chance and sometimes it's paid off - otherwise unknown bands like Brotherhood of Man and Bucks Fizz have walked away with the trophy. 

But now some countries put their top pop and rock stars into the competition, desperate to win. Gone are the costumes that reflected their country's traditions. Gone are the native languages. Gone are the songs that grew out of national culture to be replaced by bland homogenous Euro-Pop. It's now all about winning and having the best 'gimmick'. In recent years, Germany has tried to put on deliberately comedic acts ... Russia has used lesbian sexiness with Tatu ... Ruslana's Xena Warrior Princess attire was calculated to woo lusty viewers away from the rotten song she was singing ... and Israel fielded a glamorous transexual. And most of the acts now sing in English, robbing us of the charm that comes with translation. 




I've always been delighted by the way that Eurovision has championed human rights. It was pioneering in bringing gay and lesbian people into the spotlight. It has featured people of all races, all religions, all body types, all genders. It's even championed neurodiversity. It is supposed to bring us all closer together. After all, it was created to be a unifying friendly competition to help Europe recover from two divisive World Wars. 

But, in recent years, it's been all about winning and demonstrating partisan politics as countries vote for countries they like and not the best song. In 2003, the UK entry Jemini polled no points whatsoever. Admittedly it was never a winner (nor even an also-ran) but it was hugely evident that the voting was indicative of Europe's opinion of the UK supporting America's war in Iraq. And, with the introduction of many Eastern European countries in 2005, the voting system achieved a new low. With all of these countries voting for their nearest neighbours, the so-called 'Big 4' (Spain, United Kingdom, France and Germany - the biggest financial contributors to the European Broadcasting Union, who stage the contest - all occupied the bottom four places on the scoreboard. 

And then we had last year where Sam Ryder easily won the judges' votes but was knocked off the top by a Europe-wide public vote for the Ukraine entry. I felt sorry for Sam who had done so much to raise our reputation in Europe - particularly following Brexit - but the winning vote demonstrated exactly what Eurovision should be all about - solidarity and empathy, friendship and community. Maybe things are on the turn?

So I will be watching tonight. And I'll be hoping that the spectacle doesn't overshadow what Eurovision is for - creating togetherness. Changing the voting system has helped to remove some of the politics and bias and things do now seem to be on more of an even keel. But, even so, I will still miss the clumsy naiveity of the early competitions, when strangely-dressed amateurs sang folksy songs about peace and love with lyrics that never quite translated to English. 




Among my favourites in past years was Severina’s 2006 song Moja štikla (My High Heel) for Croatia. It started well with: 

        For the grass has not yet sprouted 
        Where my high heel has trodden 
        Come, come, come, come, 
        Hop, hop, hop, hop, 
        Come on, my chicken.

And it got better and better with such lines as: 

       Tick-tock 'round half past two, you will nibble me, but no one will see, 
       Golden ring, thin moustache, I know well guys like you. 

And the amazing middle eight: 

        Zoomb, zoomba, hay, straw, cheese, salami, risi-bisi, bowl, 
        Red beet, red teet, Africa, paprika, sije, sete, 
        Sije oto, sije nove, sije mine, come on, come on!’ 

Fantastic. I'll now leave you with some more of Eurovision's best! Enjoy tonight! 

        I am blue and I long for your caress 
        Oh, your breasts are like swallows a-nestling. 

Nova and the Dolls (Sweden 1973)

        Send for some vodka 
        Ho ho ho ho 
        ‘cause we’re Mongolians 
        Ha ha ha ha 
        And the Devil gets us early enough. 

Dschinghis Khan (Germany 1979)

        Papa penguin, papa penguin 
        Papa penguin, papa penguin 
        Papa penguin loves his iceberg 
        Papa penguin, papa penguin 
        Papa penguin, papa penguin 
        Papa penguin is going to burn his suitcase. 

Sophie & Magaly (Luxembourg 1980)

        Let your hips go hippety pump pump 
        That’s the way we dance till we die, ay ay ay 
        Let your hips go hippety pump pump 
        Give me shivers all down my spine, ay ay ay 
        You are not a moment’s playmate 
        You are the man of my life 
        Let your hips go hippety pump pump.   

Fredi & Friends (Finland 1976)

        Boom, boom boomerang, snadderydang 
        Kangaroo, boogaloo, didgeridoo 
        Ding dong, sing that song, hear the guitar twang 
        Kojak, hijack, me and you.

Schmetterlinge (Austria 1977)

        Love is no bounced cheque, bad man. 
        Oh… sex with you passes by as fast as the spaceship Enterprise

Bettina Soriat (Austria 1997)

        The birds come down to the plants of the balcony 
        And sing with me the bums’ song. 
        Hupe hule hule hule… 

Lazy Bums (Israel 1987)

        If someone soon throws some nuclear poo here on our Europe, 
        What will you say when we get all the filth on our faces?

Kojo (Finland 1982)

        Your bum has feelings, 
        Your bum is a part of you, 
        Don’t put it on chairs, 
        Your bum has an opinion. 

Trackshittaz (Austria 2012) 

And we'll end with Ireland's all too knowing lyric from 2008:

        Drag acts and bad acts and Terry Wogan’s wig, 
        Mad acts and sad acts, it was Johnny Logan’s gig.

Dustin the Turkey (Ireland 2008)


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